


Why I Loathe You So

by GalahadThePure



Category: Dragalia Lost (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Mentions of Suicide, Other, some CurraHein
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:15:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23994364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalahadThePure/pseuds/GalahadThePure
Summary: Ever since Grace arrived at the Halidom, Heinwald has been avoiding and ignoring her. Desperate to find out what's wrong, she confronts him, asking him "Why do you hate me?"
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	Why I Loathe You So

Grace carefully placed a fresh strawberry atop the delicately piped icing before cutting a slice from her now finished vanilla cake. Her husband was never too fond of sweets when he was alive, so she didn’t have much experiencing in baking, but this cake had to be perfect. It would be a horrible peace offering if it were subpar after all. She selected a porcelain plate from the cupboard, placing the light sponge atop the platter with the utmost care before grabbing a fork for the recipient to eat the dessert with.

“That should do it,” she said to herself, “I only hope he doesn’t think I poisoned it…”

She picked up the platter and left the kitchen, making her way over to the Library Obscura. The man who would be receiving this piece of cake practically viewed it as another home, aside from his manor and his room at the Halidom which he shared with his partner, so it was easily the safest bet on where to find him. She desperately hoped this offering of kindness would gain his favor with her. Grace was no stranger to being hated, cursed, viewed as a monster for the twisted human experiments she performed; Ilia knew she deserved the scorn. But this man’s method of hatred was different. Since the day she arrived at the Halidom, he wouldn’t so much as look at her. She was used to dirty looks, to being called a “foul witch,” an “evil old hag,” but the way he ignored her, it was as if he was refusing to even acknowledge her existence. It pained her, her guilt spiraling deeper though she knew not what it was she did to be ignored so. Was it from jealousy, hatred, fear? Grace needed to know. She needed to find out what sin she had committed for her ally to show so much disdain towards her.

Grace wrapped her hand around the cold iron knob of the library’s door, twisting it and opening it with a loud creak. The inside of this building was like a maze, its angled walls and dim lighting disorienting her. She was amazed someone could study in such an eerie environment, but it would be hypocritical of her to judge, considering the nature of the research she performed with the Syndicate. As she peered down the alleyways of bookshelves, his long, silver-streaked black hair caught her eye. His crimson eyes remained glued to his book, scanning the pages in deep concentration before flipping to the next one. His purplish-gray right hand reached for the half finished cup of tea at the side of his desk, lifting it to his thin, pale lips for another sip of the now lukewarm liquid. Grace wondered if she should even bother interrupting him; if that would make him scorn her even more. Nonetheless, she mustered up her courage and approached the man.

“Heinwald,” she said softly.

To no surprise, the man ignored her, still engrossed in his reading. It was clear that he heard her, unless the golden hearing aid over his left ear was malfunctioning.

“Heinwald,” she repeated, slightly more assertive to make her presence known.

Heinwald sighed, not even turning to face her, “I’m rather busy at the moment. Will you please leave me be?”

She set down the piece of cake next to him, his gaze shifting from his book to the tantalizing dessert.

“Curran told me you adore vanilla cake with strawberries,” she confessed, “I hope you enjoy it.”

“The thought is appreciated, but I’m not hungry,” Heinwald replied, “Now will you please leave me alone?”

Grace looked down dejectedly. It may not have been the best idea to make peace with him, but she did put in an honest effort. She nearly cut her finger off splitting and scraping the vanilla beans, and her first few attempts at the sponge fell flat, becoming as dense as a brick since she hadn’t whipped the egg whites enough to leaven the cake. Perhaps it would be better to just give him some space. He did seem rather on edge at the moment, yet her selfish desire still wanted to know the reason behind his cold responses.

“Heinwald,” she said earnestly, “I… I’m sorry for being a bother… But I really must know…”

“Well then out with it,” Heinwald grumbled, “I haven’t all the time in the world.”

“Why do you hate me?” Grace asked.

Heinwald paused, his body tensing as he exhaled deeply in exasperation. He pulled out a bookmark, sliding it between the pages he was on and closing his book before turning around in his chair to face her.

“Why do I hate you?” he scoffed, “I feel you should already know. Unless you’re truly that oblivious to your actions.”

“Did you know someone who was harmed by the Syndicate?” she worried, “If I hurt any of your friends and family, I am terribly sorry, and know that I came here to seek atonement.”

“While I pity the victims of the Syndicate’s crimes, I have no immediate connection with any of them. No that isn’t the reason, Grace.”

“Do you worry that I’ve come to take your job? I will gladly sit out if you wish to remain the Halidom’s main healer.”

“Petty jealousy isn’t in my nature. Your method of healing is unconventional, just like mine. Instead of cursing you for finding a more effective method than mine, I should look into how to better improve my own techniques so we may be on par with each other. Besides, I don’t particularly mind the days off. A moment of repose is balm for a scholar’s busy mind. So no, that’s not why I hate you.”

Grace was beginning to grow impatient. She couldn’t think of any other reason Heinwald would hate and ignore her like he did.

“Then why is it?” she cried, “I honestly don’t know why you hate me so!”

“Then you truly are ignorant,” Heinwald sneered, “Now if you are done pestering me, please go away.”

“I really should have died along with my husband… Oh if only Ilia was merciful enough to let me die…”

Heinwald clenched his fist and gritted his teeth in anger.

“There you go again… and you don’t even realize how often you do it…” he grumbled.

“What?” Grace wondered.

“Think about it Grace. Think long and hard about what you just said. About what you just let slip in front of me. You wonder why I hate you, well there is your answer!”

Grace rubbed her chin in thought, suddenly coming to an epiphany.

“Is it,” she started, “Is it because I said that I wanted to die?”

“You’ve finally realized it then,” Heinwald chuckled melancholically, “Yes Grace. I absolutely loathe how every single day, you talk about wanting to die. You pray for it, you beg others to take your life. There hasn’t been one day since you arrived here that I haven’t heard ‘I want to die’ not pass your lips!”

Was that really it? Heinwald hated her because of how much she talked of wanting to die? She understood it made others worry for her from time to time, but her depression wasn’t something that she could cure overnight.

“What do you want me to do then?” she asked, “I’m sorry for being like this, but I can’t help it! You have a lover don’t you? How would you feel if someone killed him? How would you feel if you were helpless to stop death from taking him away from you forever?”

A vein popped on Heinwald’s forehead.

“Shut up…” Heinwald mumbled.

“And that little girl that you look after; Lathna. Wouldn’t you feel hopeless too if her life was snatched from her before she had a chance to experience it? Before she could discover herself and grow? How would you-“

“SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH YOU HEARTLESS BITCH!” Heinwald snapped, “How would I feel? How would I fucking feel? You know how I would feel? I wouldn’t want anyone else to suffer like how I had to. I would fight to make sure it never happens again. I wouldn’t just give up and beg others to kill me. To dirty their hands because you’re so scared of self-slaughter making you seem sinful. Well know this; you’re begging people to kill you to assist in your suicide. It’s worse than doing it by your own hand, because your greed for piety is now forcing someone else to turn into a murderer.”

“Heinwald,” she choked, “I…”

“Why do you keep doing this? You may think having someone end your life will end your pain, but it doesn’t! It just passes the suffering onto other people. Your friends, your family, everyone who cares about you. No matter how alone you think you are, there are still people who care about you, SO WHY WOULD YOU WANT THEM TO SUFFER? WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE GRETCHEN?”

Heinwald and Grace both froze. He turned around in his chair, burying his face in his palms as he rubbed his temples to calm himself down.

“Gretchen?” Grace wondered, “Heinwald, who is Gretchen.”

“Don’t you dare speak her name!” he yelled, his voice wavering as if he were holding back tears, “Someone like you… someone who thinks that death means freedom from suffering… PEOPLE LIKE YOU SCORN SISTER’S NAME!”

He banged his fist onto the table, making the plate holding the piece of vanilla cake fall off and shatter at his feet.

“Your sister…” she worried, “What happened to your sister?”

Heinwald tried to put on a brave face, but his crimson eyes were even redder as tears spilt from them onto his pale cheeks.

“She hung herself,” Heinwald choked, “She killed herself because I was foolish enough to turn her fiancé in… He killed our bastard of a father… it was just to protect us; to make sure that she and I wouldn’t have to worry about his abusive tendencies, but because I was so blinded by my desire for the truth… I proved to the inquisition that he was my father’s murderer… and he was publically executed. My hands are stained with his and my sisters’ blood!”

“I… I’m sorry…” Grace apologized, “Heinwald, I had no idea…”

“Whenever I hear you begging others to end your life… It reminds me of the last few days my sister was alive… How she wouldn’t eat or leave her room… How I’d constantly hear her crying and screaming for someone to just kill her and end her suffering.”

“How… how long ago was it…?”

“Tomorrow will be the ten year anniversary of her death… And you wonder why I’ve been avoiding you… I’ve already felt horrible because the yearly reminder of my sister’s death is coming up and you practically praise death as a reward. I know how difficult it is to deal with depression. I have battled with it myself for the past decade, but before you go around begging everyone to kill you, think about it. Think about who you might be talking to, how they cope with losses, and how your words might affect them. Now that you’ve seen me like this, will you please just leave me alone? You’ve only soured my mood even more.”

“I… I understand…” Grace said sincerely, “I’m terribly sorry for your loss, Heinwald.”

Grace bowed her head and left the library, guilt weighing down on her chest. She had no idea that Heinwald had been through so much, and if it happened ten years ago, he must have been in his teens when his sister committed suicide. Grace felt horrible. Because of her ideation of death, she brought suffering onto one of her allies, and at the most inopportune time. It would take a lot more than a slice of cake to do so, but Grace needed to make things right. She had to show him that she could rise above her own mental illness and trauma for the sake of others, and offer him sympathy in this hard time.

***

Heinwald knocked on the door to his sister’s room, a plate with her dinner in his hands.

“Gretchen,” he begged, “You must eat something.”

Usually he would be greeted with cries or her shouting “go away Heinwald,” but today, it was just silence. He knocked on the door once again, hoping for some sort of response, but still, nothing. His heart sunk as the silence became deafening. Heinwald dropped the platter, grabbing onto the doorknob and trying to twist it open. Alas the door was locked, making Heinwald’s fears only worsen.

“Gretchen! Please say something!” he begged, “You’re scaring me! You’re really scaring me!”

No matter how hard he tried, the door wouldn’t budge. He rushed back to his own room, trying to find a spare pin to pick the lock with. Each second that passed felt like an eternity, and his anxiety only worsened with time. After what felt like hours, Heinwald found one of Gretchen’s hairpins, glinting on the ground after it must have gotten swept into his room on accident. He picked it up, rushing over to her door and desperately picking the lock. Once it clicked open, Heinwald rushed inside, yet to his surprise, he didn’t see his sister anywhere. A chill went up his spine as he heard a faint creaking sound coming from the closet. He swallowed hard, approaching the door. His fingers wrapped around the knob, slowly twisting it open, only to fall back in shock at the sight. He screamed in horror. His sister was…

***

Heinwald woke up in a cold sweat, panting and shivering in fear. Curran stirred awake, wrapping his arms around him to comfort him.

“Shh… it’s alright, it’s alright,” he cooed.

“Curran…” Heinwald whimpered, “That nightmare… I had that nightmare again about Gretchen’s death…”

“Everything is ok babe, I’m here for you.”

Heinwald looked to the window, light just starting to crack in from the curtains.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“I think 6 AM?” Curran yawned.

“Curran… are you awake enough to start getting ready? I don’t really feel like I can fall back asleep.”

“Still a bit groggy, but if that’s what you want to do, I’ll get up. I know today’s a hard day for you, but I’ll do anything I can to help ease your pain.”

“Thank you, Curran.”

Heinwald gave Curran a chaste kiss before getting out of bed, approaching the wardrobe. Today he wouldn’t be wearing his usual robes and Curran his Inquisitor uniform. Heinwald had picked out two new outfits for them, all black and formal; mourning attire. Today they’d be visiting Gretchen’s grave to pay respects. He pulled out their clothes, putting Curran’s on the bed next to him before slipping into his own. The starched collar was a bit uncomfortable against the stitch line on his neck, but he had to look presentable in mourning. He straightened out his coat and turned to Curran, who was having a bit of difficulty with his cravat.

“Can I get some help?” he asked.

“Didn’t the Inquisition ever teach you how to tie a tie?” Heinwald sighed.

“Yeah a normal tie, but not one of these fancy cravats…”

“Fine, I’ll help you…”

Heinwald had gotten used to tying cravats considering he practically wore one every day under his robes. He tied up the lacy fabric of the cravat, puffing it up so it lay properly around Curran’s neck.

“Do I look ok?” he asked.

“I’m amazed how dapper you can look when you actually button up your shirt,” Heinwald chuckled.

“I always thought you liked it when I wore my shirts like that.”

“Oh I do, but given the situation, I feel it would be better to dress on the conservative side.”

“Fair.”

Heinwald grabbed a brush from his nightstand, running it through his long, curly hair before tying it back with a black ribbon.

“Well then, shall we go?” he asked.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Curran replied.

The two left their room at the Halidom, closing and locking the door behind them before heading over to the cemetery. Since Heinwald was a noble, his family had their own private section in the cemetery, amongst the mausoleum. As they approached her grave, Heinwald squinted, making out a figure in black setting something down on her tombstone. The figure became clearer as they got closer, and Heinwald could now make out long white hair, a large black hat, and a beautiful black mourning dress.

“Grace?” he asked.

The figure stood up, turning around in surprise.

“I wasn’t expecting you to be here so early,” she confessed.

“What are you doing here?” he wondered.

“I came to pay my respects, to pray that your sister is happy in the afterlife.”

Heinwald looked down at his sister’s grave, noticing a bouquet of white roses on it.

“Did you leave those flowers?” Heinwald asked.

“I was hoping it would be a surprise for when you finally arrived,” Grace sighed, “I’m sorry if I’m interrupting your mourning.”

Grace’s eyes widened in surprised as Heinwald pulled her in for a hug. Hesitantly, she returned the gesture, rubbing his back to comfort him.

“Thank you,” Heinwald said earnestly, “The flowers. Gretchen would have loved them.”

“I felt it was the least I could do,” Grace confessed, “I’m sorry for being insensitive.”

“I forgive you. I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

“I can understand why you were so infuriated with me. I promise, I will try my hardest to not let that side of me show around you. I don’t want to make anyone else suffer, or remind them of the suffering they have already endured.”

Heinwald pulled away from the hug, a cathartic smirk across his face as tears spilt from his eyes.

“Shall I offer a prayer for your sister?” Grace offered.

“That would be wonderful,” Heinwald replied.

**Author's Note:**

> This was cathartic to write. I had an irrational hatred of Grace by association with toxic fans who called Heinwald garbage while praising Grace as perfect. Writing this helped me appreciate her as a character and block out those mean fans who reduce her to nothing more than "she's OP and a waifu."


End file.
